Drunk History
by Oxenstierna D. Yuki-Rin
Summary: The world of One Piece is a big world with lots of rich history. Now watch these One Piece characters get drunk and try to tell the epic stories that helped shaped history. T for alcohol use, swear words, and epic rap battles of history.
**Author's Note** : This oneshots in this story will be told in the POV/narration/monologue/whatever the hell it is of the narrator. Also, they're really drunk.

 **Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece, Drunk History, or Drunk History: Fall Out Boy edition _._**

* * *

 _Before he told the oral history of the Capricorn Pirates and the Libra Pirates, Sanji was given:_

 _\- Four six-packs of beer  
\- Three bottles of wine  
\- Five bottles of Jack Daniels  
\- A dozen mini-bottles of vodka  
\- An entire Costco-sized bottle of alcoholic margarita mix  
\- Fifty shots of various mixed drinks  
\- A vodka Redbull from Franky and Usopp  
\- Basically, enough booze to kill a man. However, this is the One Piece world, so fuck logic_

* * *

Hi, my name is Black-Leg Sanji, and this - This bitch is going to tell you an epic story and shit.

It's summer of 2001. Joe meets Patrick and he's like 'Yo, I know about music.' And Patrick's like, 'Yo, I know more about music.' 'That's impossible. Do you wanna start a band?' And Patrick's like, '…Yeah… that's cool.' And then he's like, 'Yo, this is a book store its not a music store!' And then they met at Patrick's house. And Patrick's wearing shorts and socks and a hat. Patrick is playing drums for some fucking reason! And Pete's there, for some reason!

Wait, I'm not telling the story of Fall Out Boy? Marimo, you bitch! That truck doesn't belong to Alico, it belongs to the collective!

Sorry about that. I have been informed that this is the wrong story. Let me start over.

It's the summer after Luffy dies. Allegedly. Yuki-Rin meets Heathcliffe, and he's, like, 'I nearly died.' And Yuki-Rin's, like, 'Cool story, bro. Want to form a pirate crew?'

So, they form the Capricorn Pirates. Molly's there, Hatori's there, and then Kazuma shows up fifteen minutes late with Starbucks and is all, 'What's up, bitch?!' Of course, he screws Yuki-Rin like a stone-cold fox later on, but that's not important right now.

One day, their ship, The C-Word or something -

"I told you to get rid of the C-Word!"

I'll get rid of the C-Word when I'm dead and gone, Yuki-Rin! Shut the fuck up!

Anyway, one day, their boat sinks or something. Hatori tells them 'We need to go to Kartik Abingdon. He fixes up ships. Trust me on this.' Turns out, Kartik doesn't fix the ship, but gives the Capricorns a new one. And he joins because he started out as a nice guy before he turned into a snooty bitch.

"Oh, by the way, Sanji, if you haven't guessed, I'm a Republican."

Oh, dear God, Kartik! Get the fuck out of here! You can't just ask people to delete Communism. The collective must delete Communism together!

So, the Capricorn Pirates are official, and more people join in on the fun. Drusilla, Karin, and Z.G. are the Vatican Assassin Ninjas who used to work for Spandam or something. Aria's a Communist who wants to help the other nice Communists take over the world. Hana is Aria's sister, but Hana isn't a Commie. Daisuke and Yulia are thieves, but Daisuke has Kleptomania. I think. I don't know, man. I'm not Daisuke.

Then, after Lougetown, Karou and Mina - I mean, Dracula and Dracula's wife or some shit like that - join the crew. They aren't important, because Aki joins at the same time and I want to fuck her brains out. Who doesn't want to duck Aki's brains out?

Holy shit, I have to puke. Excuse me for a second.

"You just puked on my shoes, Sanji!"

Michigan is where it's at, bitch! Let me finish my story, Chopper!

So, the Capricorns meet the Dragon Lady, who wants to make them look sexy and have them do the sex with other sexy persons. But, the Capricorns defeat her, and Yuki-Rin tells the Dragon Lady some epic shit. How epic? Well, here was the monologue: 'Because Steve Harvey giveth the crown and Steve Harvey taketh away.'

This pisses the Dragon Lady off, so she's all, like, 'Hey! We were watching Judge Joe Brown! Now Judge Joe Brown-sempai isn't going to notice me!' This pissed Aki off for some reason, so Aki told the Dragon Lady 'Step on my nuts!' before she mad-dogged the Dragon Lady out of the brothel place.

Heh. The Brothel Place. That sounds like a good name for a furniture store in Reno. They need to bring back Reno 911. I loved that show. Also, does Bill Nye like Hollandaise sauce? Asking for a friend. I want to have my body embalmed with Hollandaise when I die and am buried inside the Gucci store on Fifth Avenue.

"Get on with the story, Sanji!"

Sorry, everybody. I've been extraordinarily busy lately, but I'm back now to fuck some sauce up. No, wait - No sauce. Back to the story.

Some shit goes down and Yuki-Rin ends up preggers. However, she loses the baby after a weird crack dream, and I am not making this up. Then, she kills her parents and the Capricorns become filthy stinking rich, like, rich. Racks on racks on racks on racks on racks riches. Rich as balls.

Except for Molly, Hatori, Gareth, Showtarou, and Isabella who are, like, 'No, fuck this. We done. We out. Bye, Felicia.'

So, the Capricorns are riding high for a few months or something, and then shit goes down fast. There was some drinking involved, maybe some drugs, MAYBE a broken condom or two, but the Capricorns ended up getting pimped out by the Dragon Lady as part as some fucked-up version of Pimp my Ride.

Oh, shit. Did I just puke all over the floor? I'm so drunk right now, guys. I'm so drunk.

"How drunk?"

Drunk as balls, Luffy.

So, thirty... Twenty-five... Twenty years later, the Dragon Lady declares war on the Goa Kingdom. The Capricorn Juniors or Junior Capricorns or Libras found out about their parents' past, so they call their parents out on it. However, their parents are part of the resistance against the Dragon Lady. Sadly, the Capricorns don't give a shit about the Libras to the point where Stella-Rondo's parents die in a bombing. And that - THAT - was so fucked-up, man. Stella-Rondo didn't deserve this shit at all. Stella-Motherfucking-Rondo is the real MVP of this story, ya'll.

The Libras are pissed, and they go all tattle-tale on the Dragon Lady's ass and tell her all about how shitty the Capricorns are, the Capricorns' ties to the resistance, and how that little bitch Kartik Abingdon was a dirty Republican.

The next day, the Dragon Lady executes a third of the Capricorns, sells a third of the Capricorns to Paris Hilton - I mean, Madam Brochu, who is her BFFF, and then sends the remaining third Capricorns - including Yuki-Rin - to her military brothel where there's some fucked-up shit I don't want to talk about. We don't see what happened at the military brothel anyway, so I guess it's not important or some shit, yeah?

Because of this, Yukari, Kazura, and Stella-Rondo flee to Kipton's really bitchin' crib in the Goa Kingdom and lay low there for a few hours, and the other Libras are there - Miller Pratt and Henrietta Mondrian and Fernando Aguilar and Charlotte Emerson-Amboy and all of the nice people I love. It was fucking awesome and I wish I was there!

That night, Kazura is all, like, 'Yo, guys, I don't feel safe here anymore. We need to get the fuck out of here because YOU KNOW the Capricorns are going to come after us for this shit'.

And then Daruma said in his beautiful voice that sounds like Ron Swanson's voice: 'Say no more, fam. I am ADT, and I am always there.' I'm pretty sure Mason said 'I want the ADT man to kill me', but I can't verify or dignify that with a response.

The next day, the Libras steal one of Kartik's ships, and they get the fuck out of the Goa Kingdom before the ADT man could come and kill them faster than you could say "I am ADT, and I am always there, bitch!"

So, while the Libras fled to Mexico to work in a textile plant or something cool and exciting, they met a bunch of awesome people in their travels. Like, way too many awesome people. You know who they met?

They met some punk band called Kill the Dragon Lady, and they are so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, SO badass. Their mixtape is so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, SO fire emoji. Lynn Verdugo is the lead singer and guitarist, who is basically like that one chick from PVRIS and that one chick from _Divergent_ and is so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, SO badass. Jessamine Vanes is the drummer, a Fishman, and is so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, SO badass. BJ Lennox is the bassist, and he is so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, SO badass. Lastly, Wally Hobart is the second guitarist or, as I like to call him, head guitarist bitch in charge. He's also Australian, mate, and is so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, SO badass.

"We get it, Sanji! You want to destroy the Man!"

You're damn right, Franky! You're damn right!

Where was I? Oh, yeah, all of the beautiful people in this room tonight.

The Libras met a bunch of members of the Revolutionary Army. Like, half of the Revolutionary Army. The Interests are a bunch of little bitches, except Leone Sandberg. Leone Sandberg went to the dark side known as "Becoming a dirty hipster like the rest of the Libras". Everyone else is cool. I still want to bang Ramona, Beguine, Minka, Alicia, Alicia, Tioga, Alicia, Aubery, and... Alicia.

"Alicia's married to Simon, dumbass!"

Drunk fuck! I'm Zoro, you! You'd be pissing off as fuck if you were a hipster who likes to put birds on things and buy fancy soap from Lush and dress in some of the best clothes ever and make sacrifices to Ezra Koenig!

The Libras also met, like, Isabella and Cima and Ludo, who was, like, the guy who wrote that stupid _Love me Dead_ song, and Nathan and Annalease and motherfucking Kendrick Lamar and motherfucking Nikolai Fraiture from The Strokes and motherfucking Bill Nye the Science Guy - I mean, Desdemona Sheffield.

Oh, there was also the fact that Madam Brochu and 1/3rd of the Capricorns were out to kill the Libras for revenge, but who cares about that shit? They're all dead now. I think. *hic*

Eventually, the-the-the - Sorry, guys. That vodka Redbull is starting to kick in or some shit. Give me a minute.

So, the war in the Goa Kingdom ends with the Goa Kingdom slam-dunkaroo-ing the Dragon Lady, who goes bye-bye, and the Capricorns take over the Goa Kingdom since Mayor Pamela Winchell of Night Vale die harded. Yukari is all, like, 'Yo, everyone. We need to go back to the Goa Kingdom for the final battle! Our mom is an asshole!'

So, the Libras go back to the Goa Kingdom with their buddies. However, because saying the name of your buddy out loud is a security risk or some bullshit like that, bro, Yukari and Kazura had to basically say 'Bye, fam. We've got this ourselves' to all of their friends, and it was tragic as fuck.

You know what else is tragic? I had to unfollow NASA on Instagram 'cause it made me too craaaaazzzzyyyyy! It would just be, like, "This is a picture of a fucking black hooooooole!" And, I was like - *Screaming*

Then - *GASP* - holy shit! Yuki-Rin and Kazuma kidnap Yukari and hold her hostage in the tallest building in the Goa Kingdom - The Bank of the East Blue, which is, coincidentamally, where Yuki-Rin worked when she wasn't doing hooker shit.

So, Kazura gathers up his friends, and they do a training montage! Montage! Everything's better with a montage!

That night, the Libras and all of their allies storm the bank vault thingie, which Teru is guarding. Teru only has a gun, but everyone else is, like, 'Nope. Bye Felicia.'

And they did it, and they killed Teru. The Libras were like, bigadigadigalalululapssshhhh! Killing the skins! Tapping the skins! Tapping the rims! Playing the shit! Killing these bitches! Wrapping it out!

They free Yukari from the bank vault and go on to fight and kill the Capricorns. They went Strong World on those bitches! Like one, two, three! Three, two one! Three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten! TEN TO ONE! And Brendon Urie had nothing to do with the entire purge of the Capricorn Pirates.

Then, the good guys go up to the roof where Yuki-Rin and Kazuma are chillaxing, and, they're, like 'What's up, bitch?!' Then, they're like, 'Yukari, Kazura, you got this shiznit. These are your parents, they've gone cray-cray with superpowers, and if we don't defeat them, they're going to destroy us all! Destroy us all! Destroy us all!'

Fuck! I spilled beer on my shoes! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck fuck! Fork - I mean, fuck!

So, Yukari and Kazura suit up and battle their parents. Kazuma goes down, down, in an earlier round. And sugar, we're going down swingin'. I'll be your number one with a bullet - A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it.

Right before Yuki-Rin gets stabbed to death, they ask her why she did what she did what she did and why she was evil and shit. They were all, like, 'So, Yuki-Rin... WYD?'

'I'm in Bangladesh', Yuki-Rin answered. 'What are you doing after?' The Libras answered. Yuki-Rin's answered.

'Total world domination. But, first, I'm going to torture and kill each and every single one of you factory reject Denny's waiters'.

And, then they killed Yuki-Rin. And, then, Yuki-Rin's dying words were 'Happy 4Twizzle, bitch!'

Good fucking riddance, bitches!

Now that the good guys won and the world is at piss -

"Peace, Sanji. Peace."

Peace, peace! Thanks, Nami-swan!

Anyway, since the world is peaceful and shit again, Leone is elected as ruler of the Goa Kingdom, and she chooses the Libras to be her workers. They decline, so Leone chooses, like, some other Revolutionaries I don't give a shit about, like Gilly and Alton. Nobody gives a shit about Alton.

Because they have bittersweet memories with the Goa Kingdom, the Libras are like, 'No, fuck this. We are never ever ever never never ever coming to the Goa Kingdom again!' And, so they just keep sailing because they can't really go home or something, I don't know. I fucking hate hippies.

And everyone else, like Desdemona and her awesome possum posse, is, like. 'What the fuck? You're working with this guy who fucking recorded Avril Lavigne and Pink!' Pete was like, 'Yo, were gonna end up in tour with Panic! At the Disco and Twenty Pilots.'

And that's all. And that's all that matters. And that's how the fucking story goes. _Grill me a cheese. Grill me a cheese. I'm hungry and I want a grilled cheese_.


End file.
